Tag: #suicidelosssurvivor

PTSD Warrior

Jan 26, 2020

By Shannon Jackson

About three years ago, I experienced the tragic and sudden loss of my brother, to suicide. As a result, I suffered from complicated grief and developed ptsd. My symptoms included, extreme and persistent panic attacks, and the inability to accept his death and move past the loss. Thankfully, I discovered talk therapy through the counseling services provided by the state university I was attending. Eventually, I processed that horrific nightmare. As I began to heal, the ptsd symptoms began to fade. I could finally breathe again.

This week, I had a miscarriage. The loss of my unborn baby can never compare to what I experienced, after losing my brother. However, the grief and sudden loss did bring my anxiety, and ptsd symptoms back to the surface. After two days, I forced myself to push through and returned to work. I held it together pretty well all day, despite the overwhelming negative thoughts, such as, “I am a failure. My eggs are old”, or “Nobody cares about me”. But when I got into my car to go home, I lost it and drove straight to a nearby Mexican food restaurant, for a margarita, instead of home. I told myself just one, but ended up having two. I was trying desperately to numb my emotions and avoid the eventual breakdown, as long as possible.I managed to hold back the floodgates, long enough to cook dinner and finish my responsibilities, of the day, before crashing on the couch. Sleeping is another common avoidance tactic.

The following morning…

The next morning was a Friday thank goodness. I woke up and already felt irritable, trying to pick out something to wear. Feeling easily irritated and angry, in unexpected situations, are both common ptsd symptoms. Past experiences reminded me that the grief I have been trying to push down was getting ready to blow. Sure enough, I had a panic attack when my key got stuck in the door, while locking it. For me, it looked like an angry childish outburst. I yelled at the doorknob, until it released my key. I had to go through the back door to my car and was crying by the time, I got in. I turned on KSBJ Christian radio and sang as I cried. I asked God to please take my anger and help me to get it together before I got to work.

I stayed busy all day and managed to survive. However, the moment I got in my car, I began to cry and drove back to the Mexican food restaurant, for another round of margaritas. I knew the margaritas were dangerously close to becoming a bad pattern of behavior I had to break once before. I could feel myself spiraling. When I got home, I had my second panic attack of the day and could not breathe. I knew I had to face the grief head on and process it, before I fell into a hole of despair. I did not have the energy to pull myself out. So, I fed my family, and left to hang out with a friend, who I could talk to about my feelings. I cried all the way there. Later on, I wrote about it all, in my journal. By morning, I had a different mindset and was able to let go of the sadness and accept the miscarriage happened.

I am grateful for the two years of therapy I had that taught me how to recognize my ptsd symptoms and what healthy coping mechanisms worked for me. I am proud of myself for making time to process my grief , in a timely manner. Prolonging the process, by avoiding your feelings, only makes it worse. It took me 18 months of intentional healing to finally quit having regular panic attacks and ptsd symptoms, after my brother died. Although, I was only 4 weeks pregnant, it was still difficult to lose my baby. I already had love for this baby and a piece of me literally died, during the miscarriage. It is nothing compared to what I have already experienced losing my beautiful baby brother. Everything else pales in comparison. I take comfort knowing my baby is in Heaven, with Uncle Drew.

Facts about PTSD

PTSD is defined by the Mayo Clinic as a mental health condition that is triggered by a terrifying event.
It can be debilitating and often requires at least 6-12 weeks of talk therapy. Anti-depressants are given to treat symptoms in some cases.
A ptsd diagnosis includes a re-experiencing symptom, an avoidance symptom, reactivity symptom, and mood symptom.
Examples of re-experiencing symptoms are flashbacks, bad dreams, or frightening thoughts and fear based reactions. I remember feeling so scared that I could not even leave my couch, mush less my house. Every time my mom calls I am terrified that something bad happened.
Examples of avoidance symptoms include:avoiding your feelings or thoughts and staying away from the place your trauma took place or places that remind you of the trauma. For me this included avoiding all the music that reminded me of my brother.
Examples of reactivity symptoms are angry outbursts, being startled easily, feeling on edge, and difficulty sleeping. I personally experience all of these plus an extra sensitivity to noise and clutter. I often feel fragile and weepy on days I am having these symptoms.

PTSD is usually accompanied with depression and anxiety.If your symptoms last longer than a month, you should seek help from a mental health professional. Symptoms will only grow worse, without treatment. Talk therapy absolutely works!

https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml is a great source of information and where I found facts about ptsd.

Tags #grief, #griefsupport, #mentalhealthawareness, #mentalhealtheducation, #mentalhealthmatters, #ptsd, #ptsdrecovery, #suicideloss, #suicidelosssurvivor, #therapyworks

mental health awareness Signs of suicide stop suicide suicide awareness suicide loss suicide prevention Warning signs of suicide

All the Signs Were There

My brother’s silent cry for help.

Looking back, I can clearly see the signs. I did not realize, at the time, my baby brother was in crisis. I should have known. I often think that, if I had not moved to another state, I would have seen the signs. My brother and I were so close and the last time I saw him I knew he was sad. I could not find the right words to start a meaningful conversation about it. Unfortunately, I was not aware of certain things, until after his death. Things may have been different, if I had only known.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide prevention, the warning signs of suicide include :

Increased use of alcohol or drugs.
Looking for a way to end their lives, such as searching online for methods.
Withdrawing from activities.
Isolating from family and friends.
Sleeping too much or too little.
Visiting or calling people to say goodbye.
Giving away prized possessions.
Aggression
Fatigue
Depression
Anxiety
Anger/agitation
Relief/sudden improvement.

My brother had each sign and risk factor that is underlined!!

Risk Factors:

Mental Health conditions.
Substance use.
Traumatic brain injury.
Lethal means such as fire arms or drugs.
Prolonged stress, bullying, relationship problems, or unemployment.
Stressful life events like divorce, financial problems, loss, or life transitions.
Exposure to suicide.
Previous suicide attempts.
Family history of suicide.
Childhood abuse, neglect, or trauma.

I had no idea that my brother owned a gun. His wife said it turned up the year before he died. I had no clue he was being bullied and harassed by my ex-husband. I wish someone would have told me. He had just got a big promotion at work and bought his first house. He was suppose to be moving the morning he died. His sudden improvement in mood was masked by the joy from purchasing a new home. He even had his funeral arrangements written out that I saw for the first time, after he died. His wife found them. He gave prized possessions away to friends, but everyone thought it was because he was moving. He had attempted suicide twice before but no one expected it to happen then. He seemed so happy in his last days and everything was falling into place and going so well. Sadly, I did not know the warning signs of suicide, until it was too late. I discovered the (afsp) American Foundation for Suicide Prevention after his death. The afsp website is a great source of information for survivors, and others affected by suicide or suicidal thoughts. Check them out at afsp.org I wish I could go back in time, with the information I have now. Regret and grief are a hard pill to swallow. I felt so helpless and thought talking about suicide, with my brother, would encourage it. Boy was I wrong! I have since learned that is a myth and talking about it can relieve a person’s suicidal thoughts.

People who complete suicide typically display at least two or more signs or risk factors. Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US and it is 100% preventable. Learn the signs! BREAK THE STIGMA

I urge everyone to learn the signs of suicide and start having those uncomfortable conversations that count. It might just save life!!!

If you or a loved one are struggling with thoughts of suicide please reach out! Help is available.

Call 1-800-273-8255Available 24 hours everyday

Information about the signs of suicide, risk factors, and images were found at afsp.org

Tags #endsuicide, #preventsuicide, #signsofsuicide, #speakupaboutsuicide, #stopsuicde, #suicideawareness, #suicideloss, #suicidelosssurvivor, #suicideprevention, #suicideshattersfamilies, #suicidesucks

mental health awareness suicide awareness Uncategorized

Why I Do It For Drew

Mental Health Care has come a long way just in my lifetime. Information available now was not prevalent 16 years ago when my brother first began to struggle with his mental health.

I wish we knew then, all the things we know now. It would have absolutely changed things and may have saved my brother’s life. My brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and explosive personality disorder when he was 18 years old.

Research on the causes of bipolar disorder was more limited then. My brother’s doctor thought it was hereditary and caused by a chemical imbalance. Anti-psychotic medication was the only treatment offered. He was prescribed Zyprexa and Lithium.

According to Web MD, Zyprexa is an” Olanzapine used to treat certain mental/mood conditions (such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder). It may also be used in combination with other medication to treat depression. … Olanzapine belongs to a class of drugs called atypical anti-psychotics.” Web MD describes Lithium as an element , likely effective for bipolar disorder , usually used in combination with anti-psychotic drugs ,

Back then we did not have access to the internet and you could not simply Google things. I remember going to the library to research these disorders and why people got them. All I could find was a generalized definition. I found no causes other than hereditary and no symptoms or treatment, except for medication. I was heartbroken to find there was no cure.

My brother took his meds like he was suppose to.They were harsh and he did not react well to them. A few months later, his pregnant girlfriend called me and said ,”Something is wrong with your brother. He is out of it. His body is twitching and he is foaming at the mouth”. I knew he had began to dabble with drugs by then and assumed he was overdosing. I told her to call 911 and I was on my way. I got there before the ambulance did and was devastated to find his entire body convulsing and him moaning a horrendous wounded animal sound. The ambulance arrived moments later. It took them over 20 minutes to stabilize him enough to transport to the hospital. His girlfriend and I followed them to the hospital. Turns out he was having seizures and he remained in a coma for five days. He woke up pissed off and that’s when we learned he took his entire bottle of Zyprexa wanting to kill himself. Still no therapy was offered or any other solutions except to change his medication.

This time he was prescribed Seroquel, another anti-psychotic medication. My brother once told me how numb they made him feel and how he no longer could enjoy things and never felt like laughing anymore. He felt confused often and his coordination was way off, which interfered with him playing his guitar. He said the meds changed his personality and he did not feel like himself. He never felt happy or sad anymore. He felt like a zombie. He gave it time to see if it would get better and to get in his system, like his doctor said. BUT IT NEVER GOT BETTER!

Later, that same year I got a call from my mom. she said,” Your brother has done it again, but he is not dying on my watch. ” She found the empty pill bottle in the floor, by his bed and called 911. This time he took his entire bottle of Seroquel wanting to die.

” I‘m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be“

How ironic that the very thing that was meant to make my brother get well ending up his means to try to take his life. My mom took him to a Psychiatrist for answers and to help him. Instead, he ended up worse than he started. He never had suicidal thoughts before he took those anti-psychotic medications! Years later, I learned suicidal thoughts are a possible side effect to the meds he was on. So that was the end of that. He was done with taking pills and done with seeing doctors. They had no clue what they were doing and his bad experience trying to seek mental health help kept him from ever wanting to try and seek professional help ever again.

He started drinking and using drugs heavily, after that. I tried so hard over the years to be there for him and to help him any way that I could. I always loved him unconditionally and it hurt my heart to see him in pain and watch him struggle. I had no idea what to do to help him? Neither did my mom. I believe playing guitar prolonged his life. He picked up a guitar at 18 and taught himself how to play. He was a natural and learned to play our favorite songs and even complete albums, just by listening to the music. His GOOD outweighed the BAD. Despite his struggles, he was full of life and love. It’s like he had a happy personality with a sad soul. He tried. He really did. Sadly, on May 27, 2017 he lost his battle, at the age of 32. He made sure no one could save him this time.

The fall following his death, his widow and I decided to sign up for The Out of the Darkness walk. Together with family and friends, we were team DO IT FOR DREW. During this time I discovered the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and their website full of information. The first time I read a list of signs of suicide, my stomach dropped. MY BROTHER HAD ALL THE SIGNS. Then I read that talking about suicide won’t actually make a person do it and it could relieve their suicidal thoughts. I always wanted to talk to him about it, but I never knew how. When I learned his suicide can now become hereditary in our children, I knew I had to do something. I wished so bad I had seen their website BEFORE he died. He was doing so well in life and we thought he was passed wanting to kill himself. Since then, I have continued to learn everything there is about suicide prevention. I refuse for our children to meet the same fate. I could not save my brother, but I will strive to be the change he so desperately needed for our kids and others who struggle still today. I urge everyone to learn the signs of suicide and to start having conversations that matter. It may save a life.

https://afsp.org/about-suicide/

BE THE CHANGE THE WORLD NEEDS TODAY!

Tags #afsp, #breakthestigma, #itsokaytoaskforhelp, #learnthesigns, #mentalhealthawareness, #mentalhealthmatters, #outofthedarkness, #preventsuicide, #signsofsuicide, #speakupaboutsuicide, #stopsuicide, #stopthestigma, #suicide, #suicideloss, #suicidelosssurvivor, #suicideshattersfamilies, #youmatter